Review: Trainspotting The Musical (Theatre Royal Haymarket)

Review by Daz Gale

⭐️

Turning classic movies into musicals is hardly a new idea. In fact, you could say the market is oversaturated with them and there is a sense that the industry has become overreliant on them of late in search of a sure thing. Like any musical, they have varying degrees of success but when they are done right, they can be exceptional. One unlikely title now getting the musical treatment is Trainspotting. That cult, rebellious and iconic movie may not be the most immediate choice for a musical, but that is exactly what's happening at Theatre Royal Haymarket. Would this world premiere be the show to choose, or would it find itself on a slippy slope?

Trainspotting began life as a novel by Irvine Welsh published in 1993, but is best known for the 1996 movie adaptation that has secured its legacy in the 30 years since, regularly appearing on lists naming the best films ever made and considered the film that changed everything. It centres on the cult heroes of youth culture - Renton, Sick Boy, Begbie, Spud, Tommy and Kelly as they navigate heroin addiction, violence, crime and general chaos in Edinburgh.

Irvine Welsh himself has been involved in this musical adaptation of Trainspotting, which you would assume would be a certainty for success. Sadly, the opposite is the case in an incohesive and baffling production that seemingly has no idea what it wants to be. There seems to be a lack of understanding of theatre from the key parties involved, which can’t be the case knowing the track record of some of them, namely the director. Perhaps the idea was for the carefree and chaotic attitude of the key characters to be replicated in the production, but that is not how theatre works, especially in a production that makes so many huge missteps such as this one.

It feels as if every choice is wrong in Trainspotting. I must admit being surprised at the initial announcement as not only did it feel like an unlikely candidate for the musical treatment, but also the choice of venue. Knowing the story and all it represents, I’d have felt a smaller, grungy venue would have suited it better - the glamour of Theatre Royal Haymarket feels at odds with the story, a reminder that picking the right theatre to stage your show is important. Had this been staged in a fringe venue, perhaps it wouldn’t have misfired as massively as it has. That said, there is one extremely problematic issue that sets this show up to fail from the beginning.

What is the justification to make Trainspotting a musical? Will it add anything to the story, and what kind of music will be used? It seems the answer to these initial questions was met with a shrug from the creatives, as I have never been so perplexed by the music choices in any show in all my years of theatregoing. Using musical numbers from the film such as ‘Lust For Life’ and ‘Mad World’ is all well and good, apart from they have changed how they are used. To say they add nothing to the story would be an extreme understatement - every time another well-known song was used, I witnessed audience members share my exasperated and bemused reaction, with several visibly doing the universal symbol for “What the f***?”. Republica’s ‘Drop Dead Gorgeous’ is a particularly low point, serving absolutely no purpose and only there because they can have it, while ‘Perfect Day’, one of the more iconic moments of the movie, has attempted to replicate the juxtaposition in tone but in a completely different way and it backfires massively. If you are waiting for the inclusion of the most famous song from the movie, ‘Born Slippy’, you’ll be waiting long after the show has concluded as that number is notably absent, presumably as they weren’t given the rights to use it in what is the only sensible choice involved in this production.

Can it get any worse? Hold on to your stetsons, as Trainspotting contains original music written by Irvine Welsh and Stephen McGuinness in what I can safely say are the worst songs to ever grace a West End stage, making Opening Night look like Oklahoma. Terrible lyrics, lacking any melody and making no sense whatsoever, it feels as if they were written by a kid to be performed in school only to be given a swift detention for how overly sweary they are. I like to single out highlights in reviews usually, but this time I’ll opt for the lowlights, and boy am I spoilt for choice. ‘Sick Boy’ features the lyrics “Sick Boy. Rent Boy. Sick Boy. Rent Boy” repeated to death until you can take no more… and then some. Early number ‘Rolling With The Punches’ is just awful, only existing to prepare you for the wave of terribleness that is about to be inflicted on you, while ‘Sh*t Happens’ enjoys the most fitting title in the show. However, there is one musical number that deserves its own paragraph, as it may well haunt my nightmares for years to come.

If you thought what was missing from Trainspotting was a line-dancing country influenced song where characters sing “C**ts run the country” on repeat, you’re in luck! Think Steps if they were all on drugs and swearing a lot while performing ‘5,6,7,8’ and you get the idea on ‘The Eckies And The Brown’ which wins the award for the most excruciating several minutes of theatre I have ever had the misfortune to experience. I have no idea what Welsh and McGuinness were thinking, but I would beg them to never write a song together again, or at least never inflict it on an audience - nobody deserves that level of punishment, even if they have committed the most heinous of crimes (such as creating this musical). But that’s not all. If we haven’t suffered enough, we are treated to an encore to kick off act two with a repeat performance - just when you think it can’t get any worse, Act Two begins assuring you it can and it will.

The fact of the matter is this shouldn’t have been a musical. Had this been a play at a smaller theatre, there was a chance it could have been received better than this production has, but filling the show with songs that aren’t just forgettable but are actively terrible while simultaneously murdering classic songs in a way that is usually only reserved for the audition rounds of Britain’s Got Talent is admittedly impressive, but for all the wrong reasons. Trainspotting The Musical has no idea what it wants to be, and seemingly doesn’t seem to care either, which begs the question, why should the audience?

Let’s forget about the excruciating music for one moment and talk about the other elements in Trainspotting. Unfortunately, they don’t fare much better. Though Caroline Jay Ranger has impressed me through her direction previously, there was the sense that all creatives had conflicting visions for this production, resulting in a confusing mess. It feels very under-directed at times, with cast members looking slightly lost on stage at times due to confused choices in the direction. Though the space does not feel like the right one for this story, it isn’t used very well either, with cast members frequently shoved to the extreme sides so that only a few audience members can see, with little thought given to how to stage the bigger numbers with shockingly poor choreography and no attention to detail whatsoever.

This shoddy level is common in every element, with a cheap and tacky looking set design that barely fits the stage of Theatre Royal Haymarket, with seemingly no thought given to how to stage the show in that venue. With the production going on tour immediately after, it feels as if that has been given the priority, but the poor design will still be a factor wherever it travels along the way. Eventually I decided to embrace the chaos, and when a member of stage management casually walked on stage to stop a moving table with a mind of its own while the actors carried on oblivious, I thought “And why not?”. Terrible lighting struggled to find cast members frequently, plunging them in darkness while, one decent filmed sequence aside, the video design is also laughably poor. The biggest design problem belongs to the sound design. It is fair to say it is among the most shocking use of sound in a theatre I have ever experienced, muffled at times, inaudible at others. The volume was bizarrely quiet and it became increasingly difficult to hear what was being said or sung - though perhaps given the quality of what I did hear, I should consider that a mercy?

Irvine Welsh may have written the novel and the movie but his writing here is just not up to scratch at all. We all know the dialogue is not the most family-friendly, but here the swearing seems to have been used excessively in lieu of any sort of context or content. Can’t make that sentence work? Why not add a f**k in. Hell, why not add 20 of the b*stards? That seems to be what happened in the brainstorming sessions, if indeed any of them took place. This isn’t to take away from Welsh’s talent from his original writing, but I honestly do not have a clue what he was thinking with this, and how anyone thought something this bad had any business being on a stage?

Though there isn’t much to celebrate in the way of creatives, the cast at least do their best. The failure of this musical is by no means a reflection of them, and they make the most of the terrible writing, design and direction, trying to make lemonade out of lemons. However, they aren’t miracle workers and for all their best efforts, they can’t distract from how shocking this show truly is. Lewis Kidd is an admirable lead as Renton, captivating the audience and moving the story along, while Sheridan Townsley doesn’t get enough moments to shine as Sick Boy, but is very clearly one to watch in theatre. Kieran Andrew is exaggerated and erratic as Spud in the most memorable performance, with Frankie O’Connor completely over-the-top as Begbie. The cast is full of wonderful talents who deserve much better than this, with Rebecca McKinnis a long way away from Dear Evan Hansen, though she does get a musical number that feels like it is trying to replicate one of those big mother/son ballads found in that show as well as Everybody’s Talking About Jamie. If you think that kind of song shouldn’t work in a musical of Trainspotting, you would be right.

If Trainspotting was the film that changed everything, let’s hope this musical follows suit, namely that people stop putting such terrible productions on stage just because it is a familiar name. This doesn’t just detract from the legacy of the novel and the film, it is an insult to the audience's intelligence and not worthy of their hard-earned cash. I take no pleasure in writing a review like this, but similarly I experienced no pleasure in watching such talented cast members having their skills wasted by creatives who either don’t understand how theatre works or couldn’t care less. One star reviews are the rarest for me, only reserved for those shows that are completely irredeemable. Unfortunately, that is exactly how I feel about Trainspotting with not one redeemable quality and that is the fault of the creatives whose conflicting visions led to something woefully disjointed, resulting in a show I can only describe as spectacularly bad. I’ll be blunt when I say this is without a doubt the worst show in the West End this year, and a contender for the biggest train wreck ever seen on a West End stage. If you're looking for a new musical to enjoy, Trainspotting is not the one I'd choose.

Trainspotting The Musical plays at Theatre Royal Haymarket until 5th September. Tickets from https://allthatdazzles.londontheatredirect.com/musical/trainspotting-the-musical-tickets

Photos by Matt Crockett