Review: SINEMATIC Cabaret (Emerald Theatre)

Review by Daz Gale

⭐️⭐️

There was a real buzz when the Emerald Theatre was declared as London’s newest West End venue when it was announced early last year. The opening night for its debut offering, Diamonds and Dust, was a glitzy affair, showing the promise and potential the gorgeous cabaret space had… and then it swiftly shut, effectively gathering dust. Aside from brief and seemingly last-minute runs for Emerald Storm and last year’s all-drag panto Snow White, the space has largely remained dormant, so it was with much excitement I returned to the scene of the crime for Sinematic, a show that finally seemed to make use of the venue’s aesthetic - at least that’s how the description made it sound anyway. But would this movie-inspired show be a blockbuster hit or prove that some things are best left on the cutting-room floor?

Upon leaving the theatre, I wondered how to approach this review. Do I judge it as if it were any other show, including its production value and cohesiveness, or do I judge it more as an experience and a night out? How about both?

As a night out, Sinematic ticks a lot of the boxes. It is a wild ride that many will enjoy, particularly hen nights, birthdays and group bookings. Perhaps it doesn’t lend itself quite as well for date nights, and your partner might not be best pleased with how close and intimate some of the performers get with you, but if you’re planning on having a few drinks and letting your hair down, Sinematic is undoubtedly a lot of fun.

However, as a show, it is a completely different story. Though the chaos is all part of the charm, and is even mentioned in the description of the show beforehand, there is a certain type of chaos you want to see on stage - an organised one, and this couldn’t have been further from that.

I should give them some grace, as this was their first performance, but a rocky start (literally, as it was to The Rocky Horror Picture Show), where the performer missed their cue and ultimately forgot to come on set the tone for what was about to follow in a wildly disjointed production that felt woefully underrehearsed. A couple of performers were still going after the song had ended, suggesting they hadn't planned their timings and making the production feel less slick than it ought to have been. Awkward silences and long pauses between acts and microphones left on in the interval didn't help dissuade me from my assumption that this was effectively being made up as you go along.

And then there was the lighting. Admittedly, you are not going to a show like Sinematic for the lighting, but I would argue that the very least you'd want or expect is a lighting operator who could actually find the people performing. In that regard, it has to be the single worst use of lighting I've ever seen, leaving me wondering whether the lighting operator had fallen asleep or been eaten by a shark

If this reads as harsh, it's worth noting the prices for the event. With tickets costing as much as £168.75, you would expect a much higher quality than what we saw, with ill-fitting and shoddy costumes, leaving me wondering where the money was going? The immediate comparison I had was the legendary Willy's chocolate experience, though at least that experience offered visitors a solitary jelly bean. Perhaps I should give them some grace, as this was their first performance at Emerald Theatre, and teething problems are to be expected, but if you are charging full whack for your performance, you need to be of a certain standard, and this show was nowhere near ready for an audience paying as much as they were or for people to review.

Billing itself as a mix of burlesque and stunts, it all proved rather samey and was in desperate need of variety. Though I have not been to many burlesque shows, one thing they have never been is boring, and Sinematic seemed to feature nothing other than women taking off their clothes in near-identical performances. There are only so many times you can watch someone take off a bra before it becomes boring, and I discovered that number is three - bad news for the 17 other times it seemed to happen.

There is also a question of taste, and though I’m far from a prude, I would say that people should be able to sit in an audience without a performer sticking their foot in your mouth. The person who happened to was clearly game for a laugh, but it felt to me like it crossed a line when it came to consent and close interactions with the audience, though for a show that regularly had near-naked performers thrusting in the faces and laps of unsuspecting audience members, I guess this should be expected. Consider this a warning - if you sit in the stalls, you might get wet.

The idea behind Sinematic is to pay tribute to film’s most iconic moments, embodied by London’s baddest babes. Throughout the evening, we were treated to homages to Magic Mike, Who Framed Roger Rabbit? And Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, to name but a few. Those three appeared in Act One in the much stronger of the two Acts, with the second descending into utter chaos and rapidly lowering the quality. An ill-advised and overlong tribute to Austin Powers had me cringing for all the wrong reasons, while their tribute to Jurassic Park will haunt my memories for as long as I live - a toy car and a dinosaur mask might be campy and kitsch, but again, not for the prices they’re charging. It all felt too rushed and not really thought out, with a Jaws sequence not even going to the trouble of shoving a cardboard fin on the stage. The whole evening proved overlong and poorly paced, in dire need of curating and refining. The fact that the initial announcement listed multiple films that weren’t present suggested nobody knew what Sinematic was meant to be, with the idea not quite being fully formed - something that can't be true, given this show has been performed for a while elsewhere..

Sinematic was much better when it mixed it up a bit, with a smattering of live vocals lifting the quality substantially. The fittingly rocky start ended up being one of the highlights of the evening, with performer Charity Kase delivering a great rendition of ‘Sweet Transvestite’... only to take their seat in the audience, never to be seen again. A promised tribute to those West End musicals that made the leap to the screen consisted of three numbers from Chicago and a token reference to Moulin Rouge - a great example for the lack of variety on offer, but still one of the standout sequences of the night, again due to the rare live vocals witnessed. The standout performance of the night came at the very end with a spectacular sequence involving fire from Lady Lydia, showcasing what Sinematic could achieve at its best, if it had taken more time to control the chaos and create a slicker production.

The talented performers are undoubtedly the strongest aspect of Sinematic, and this review is not a reflection on them at all, but they were in desperate need of some direction to avoid the feeling that nobody knew where they were supposed to be or what they were supposed to be doing at any given moment. The MC for the evening somehow managed to keep the whole thing ticking along and gloss over all the missteps thanks to their effervescent personality, with Lolo Brow always thrilling and entertaining with their quick-witted nature, particularly when interacting with the audience. Somehow they seemed to be channelling a mix of Edina Monsoon from Absolutely Fabulous and West End performer Victoria Hamilton-Barritt, but I was here for it. If the production at Sinematic had matched Lolo’s brilliance, we would have witnessed a much better show.

If you are looking for a fun night out, you may well find Sinematic ticks all the boxes. However, if you are looking for production value, direction or chaos that is controlled, you may want to steer clear. The show isn’t without its charms, but that is solely down to its talented performers, who are better than the show they are currently attached to. Though the concept is full of promise, the execution is incredibly flawed in a production that is a sin in itself, in its current form.

Sinematic plays at Emerald Theatre on Thursdays in March. Tickets from www.sinematic.show