Panto Review: The Liar, The Bitch And The Wardrobe (Turbine Theatre)

Review by Daz Gale

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Panto season is upon us again – oh yes it is! While that means Cinderella, Aladdin and Robin Hood will be popping up in theatre all over the country, the Turbine Theatre in Battersea have opted to do something different this year, bringing us The Liar, The Bitch And The Wardrobe in what will be their final production before the theatre sadly closes. As you can imagine from that title, this panto is designed purely for adults, ensuring that any cries of “He’s behind you” will take on a very different meaning to the more innocent utterances you may hear elsewhere, but would this less family friendly pantomime ensure the Turbine ends on a high?

While the term “plot” can be applied loosely in pantomimes, The Liar, The Bitch And the Wardrobe has more of one than you might expect, being inspired by the similarly named story involving a lion and a witch… though the wardrobe remains. It is wartime Britain and 18 year olds (the age is very important – they are no longer children as in the original… or brothers for that matter, and for that we should all be thankful) Peter and Edward have fled London to escape to the country. It is there they venture in the closet, stepping in to a magical land where they meet Mr Topless, The Hungry Beaver, The Bitch and Asslan. Sound familiar? Will the young lovers be able to reach a happy ending or will they find themselves stuck in the closet forever?

The pantomime starts off quite strong, with a clever parody number ‘Welcome To The Blitz’. It starts to unravel a bit when Edward reaches Narnia and a whole mess of chaos ensues. Act one still manages some form of consistency, but this all seems to fade away in a much weaker second act. It also suffers from being far too long, feeling like it would benefit from being shorter and sharper to ensure more jokes land and much less repetition, with the use of the same jokes multiple times starting to feel tired as it progresses. It also became clear that this had been rewritten multiple times to reflect on recent pop culture events, though this ended up creating a messy and rushed sense in the writing.

I imagine the brainstorming session for this pantomime consisted of the meme “I’m gonna give the gays everything they want” and they certainly did. Designed with the LGBTQIA+ community in mind, it features references to RuPaul’s Drag Race, Cheryl’s famous (though dare I say overused?) “Whenever you’re ready” and even a reference to this week’s latest viral sensation “holding space” (if you’re not aware of this yet, hold space for when you find out). The problem is these references are shoehorned in without any real consideration to how to make them funny more than them just being there simply to exist. While they still may raise a smile, it felt like the need to keep the show as relevant and up to date as possible meant last minute rewrites detracted from the overall impact of the show.

I would have also liked a bit more variety in the music. While Chappell Roan has been a dominant force in music this year, perhaps they featured a bit TOO much of her in the show – I imagine if she was in the audience, the overexposure of the songs may have annoyed her… though seemingly that doesn’t take too much to do.  if anybody was wondering how many Chappell Roan songs would be too much to include in one pantomime, the answer is three – one more than the two Sabrina Carpenter songs we were treated to. While Lady Gaga and Wicked also got appearances, it all got a bit samey and felt underdeveloped with some songs barely changing any lyrics – these numbers could have been so much funnier had they focused more on the situation, but it all came across a bit too undercooked and an easy grab at low-hanging fruit.

The intimate yet versatile (as opposed to… never mind) stage at the Turbine is used to great effect with cardboard trees (lending itself well for a certain Sunset Boulevard parody) and snowballs making up Narnia. It may not be the grandest set design in the world but it adds to the charm of the piece, with Anton Tweedale’s direction utilising it for every ounce of fun possible and uplifting the show in doing so. One moment in act two involving a treasure hunt and audience members proved a bit too chaotic – while we love a bit of chaos, especially in an adult pantomime, a bit more organised chaos was definitely in order here.

A hard-working cast of four take on every conceivable character in The Liar, The Bitch And The Wardrobe from the “children” (sorry, adults), villains, evil sidekicks, animals and just about everyone else you can think of. Though they are clearly having fun in the time and aren’t there to challenge Nicole Scherzinger for her Olivier Award or even ask her where she got her hat, I would be a liar myself if I didn’t mention that the performances proved quite uneven... though that probably makes me a bitch.

Conor Headley proves to be a captivating force on stage with his time as Edward, Mr Topless and Father Christmas, or Daddy as he is affectionately known, showcasing his abilities as an actor. With a great knack for comedy and a stunning singing voice, he is undoubtedly the best aspect of this disjointed production. Unfortunately, his strengths highlight his scene partners limitations, with a perplexing portrayal that came across under-rehearsed and not able to match the skills on offer elsewhere on the stage.

Grant Cartwright is a delight as the titular Bitch as well as a classic panto Dame turn with Mrs McCreedy, always raising a smile whenever they appear and uplifting even the most questionable of dialogue. The cast is completed by Holly Ashman in roles including Moo Deng (yes, you read that right) and Asslan. Her time as the Bitch’s sidekick and sparring partner proves a number of giggles as does her hungry Beaver which seemingly nobody could ever get enough of, though it is the briefest of appearances early on as an old woman that gets the biggest laugh with the simplest of questions. Perhaps with that moment, this show peaked too soon, setting the bar high for a standard that wasn’t reached again.

I am aware I am coming across as a bit of a Grinch in this review so far and there is the argument that you should never look too closely at harmless pantomimes with a critical eye as it will show up the inadequacies of it – had I been there solely to enjoy the show, I’m sure I would have seen it from a different perspective and loved it a bit more – similarly if I’d had a few more drinks before it started, as the majority of the audience were living for every moment of it. It is worth saying the vast majority were loving every minute of it, and I’m sure many of you reading this will love it too. To an extent, I did love certain elements of the show purely as a gay man who can be easily won over by mentioning anything to do with Wicked (with that movie becoming my entire personality over this last week) but as a theatre reviewer, I couldn’t help but feel this could have been so much better with just the teensiest of fine-tuning.

Don’t let this review put you off – The Liar, the Bitch And The Wardrobe is a lot of fun. If you like your pop culture references and don’t think the limit exists when it comes to Chappell Roan songs, you will love entering the strange and magical world that is Battersea… I mean Narnia. I personally would have loved this show to trim itself a bit and fine-tune itself so that every joke lands and doesn’t ever feel tiresome. It’s also worth going purely as one last hurrah to the fantastic space that is the Turbine Theatre – a space I have loved visiting numerous times over the years and a theatre I will miss greatly. While its final show there may not be the greatest it has ever staged, it is still a testament to the fun and enjoyment that can always be found in this gorgeous little space.

The Liar, The Bitch And The Wardrobe plays at the Turbine Theatre until 22nd December. Tickets from www.theturbinetheatre.com